Moving on

I am going to move right along to present day, and talk a little about being number 2 at a time of great stress and sadness.

My boyfriend became very ill and we called an ambulance and he was taken to the local hospital. He was seriously ill and he nearly died a couple of times, it was terrifying. His wife and I were an amazing support for each other, kept each other grounded and supported, we were in the emergency room with him, the emergency team worked around us. I stood at the end of his bed and I held one of his feet and his wife had the other, that allowed the emergency team to work around us, he knew we were both there, and when the opportunity arrived we would alternate moving up and holding his hand.

This worked well for us all, I can smile now looking back, but a couple of times the dr’s didn’t know who was his wife, I guess we both presented like we were.

When he was stabilised, I left the room and went and cried in the hallway, away so he couldn’t see me. While I was gone the Dr, came out and was on his phone, after his call finished he came and showed me amazing compassion. I walked back into the emergency room to see and over hear him telling his wife how much he loved her. I silently backed out of the room, feeling gutted. I understood why he told her while I wasn’t in the room, he didn’t want to hurt me, but wanted his wife to know how he was feeling, being close to death can bring a whole lot of emotions tumbling out. Even at this time he was still protecting our secret.

I waited until I had my feelings under some kind of control until I went back into the room. He smiled at me and I took his hand. His wife and I continued to support each other and we supported him.

He was eventually transferred to an appropriate hospital a couple of hours from home to be treated. His wife and I followed him down, I drove while his wife messaged and informed family and friends of what was happening.

The next few days were a roller coaster of emotions and feelings, her life was full of text messages full of support and love, Facebook messages with hundreds of family and friends offering love and prayers and constant support for them both. For me it constant vigilance to ensure my affections were kept hidden from all the family and friends who visited him, I supported his wife when she needed it, I sat and watched and hurt all alone.

He came home and everywhere we went, I stood back and watched as our friends and family fussed and remarked on how hard it was on his wife, how lucky he was to have had her there with him. He constantly told me how wonderful it was for his wife to have had me with her, told me how how much support I had given her. As the week progressed I began to feel more and more invisible, like how I felt didn’t matter.

It wasn’t until he was home for a week and I was having a really bad day, struggling with how I was feeling, my sense of what I nearly lost, my pain and anguish watching him nearly die, and knowing that I was truly in love with this man, that he asked me, at the end of the day, whether I was in a better mood than that morning. I stated to him that I actually wasn’t in a bad mood as such, but that I was sad!

I let that sit with him for a while, and he finally came to me and asked me why. I in turn asked him if he had given any thought at all to how I felt during the ordeal of the previous few weeks. He started pacing and then told me that yes he did, he understood how hard it was for me, he had thought about it, he also noted how isolated I had been. It was an incredibly touching moment, gave me hope that we might be able to make it through this maze of our polyamorous relationship.

I do love this man, and even as the next 5 weeks enfolded with another 2 trips to hospital with complications, the last visit lasting 3 weeks, we are going to need to find ways to traverse this unusual situation that we are living, finding ways to communicate differently, but I believe we all want this and I will do whatever I need to be better, to be a better partner and lover.

Things were going well, I would travel up to see him every other weekend, we would cuddle and spend some really wonderful time together, watch movies, and it was always the same, his wife was welcoming and warm, making me feel like I was wanted. He was always very respectful of her, made sure that she was ok with how things were, ensuring she felt loved and cared for. I have so much respect for how difficult it must have been for him at times, keeping us both feeling cared about.

He had always been really clear that his wife came first, he loved her and that would never change, so if I could handle that, then we could keep on as we were, he wanted to continue as we were.

That was very confronting, I had no way of knowing if I was strong enough to handle a relationship with a man who had a wife, and whom I would always take second place to.  I talked it over with a friend of mine who had loved the idea that I was having a relationship with a married man, as a man he thought it was a wonderful thing. This makes me laugh, I was part of many a man’s fantasy, having your wife and a girlfriend too.

So I thought I didn’t really have anything to lose, I could enjoy what we had or go back to being alone. So I continued to see him and his wife. So now let the fun and games begin.

 

Of course you can stay!

A few weeks later, he told me he and his wife had an event to attend in my home town, and could they stay at my home, I of course agreed. Now the interesting thing about that request was that it was put to me that perhaps her other man might stay with us. Her husband with me, her other man with her. This still makes me smile. Of course I thought this was a wonderful idea, I would get to spend the whole night with him. So it was arranged.

Her friend arrived on the Friday night around 9pm, they were at their function and so we got to talking, about what an interesting situation we have found ourselves in. I was so nervous I could hardly sit still, and when they did finally arrive it was quite a bizarre situation. I didn’t know what to expect, where I should sit, how we would all feel, it was all so strange. Well when they turned up and their luggage was put into the different rooms, we sat around my living room, we had a couple of drinks, she sat with the other man cuddling on the couch, and her husband sat beside me, he sat with his hand on my leg, and we all talked together or between ourselves until we went to bed. She went to one bedroom, and he came with me to mine. What a night that was.

My home was small, so there were no real secrets, you could hear everything, my man and I were talking in bed and we could hear his wife and the other man in the other room. I watched him, to see what his reaction was, he smiled and said “there she goes” and then we got busy.

The following morning, we all got up had breakfast together, her bf had to go to work, and I spent the day with my man and his wife. Her bf met up with us again that evening and stayed over with her the second night.

We all got up, I made pancakes, we lazed around for a few hours then it was time to say goodbye, as it was a bit of a drive to get home.  I cried when they left, I had enjoyed the weekend a whole lot.  It was nice to feel wanted and cared about, and the relationship between her and I was growing, she was open and caring, it was very comfortable between us. I was still holding back, wondering when it was all going to fall apart. There was a part of me that didn’t believe that what we were doing was going to have a happy ending, how could it, the man I was falling in love with was married and very much in love with his wife.

 

Night time expectations

Being separated from my husband for over 12 months, the idea of waking up next to somebody was a very appealing idea, so when my very sexy man told me was coming to town on business, I was very, very happy to  have him stay the night with me.

How excited I was! I shaved, primped, changed my bed and cleaned my house within an inch of its life, wondered what he liked to eat and what would we do together. I worried about all the things that perhaps everyone worries about in a new relationship.  What if I snored, what if I didn’t cook what he liked ….. , but then there was an added worry for me, what if I wasn’t as good as his wife!

And there it is ……., it had reared its ugly head, I had started to worry about the comparison between me and his wife, because after he spent the night with me, he was going home to her. And I worried about her being home alone, knowing he was with me.

I really liked his wife, we were great friends, and getting closer all the time, and so we’re her husband and I.

It was a wonderful night, even though I was nervous and awkward, he was kind and caring and we laughed a lot.

It was strange, he was the first man I had spent the night with since my separation from my husband. He was a very active sleeper, he kept me awake quite a bit of the night as he would roll over towards me, leg over me, roll away, covers off, covers on … I am still smiling about that night. We talked for hours before going to sleep that night.it was a wonderful night.

Life Goes On

After our few days together, I went home and life went on just as it did before.  He and I would play our game together, we would Skype every night and nothing much changed. We talked about our time together and it was interesting to hear his perspective, which was totally different from mine.

We both had thoughts of his wife and  how it might affect her, but she reassured us that it was fine and ok, she stated that she was not threatened by us having sex as she knew her husband loved her and that was never going to change. I struggled with some guilt, sleeping with someone else’s husband was not something I ever wanted to do.  His thoughts were that it was sex, a bit of fun that wasn’t hurting anyone, his wife knew and in some ways approved so on a surface level was an ok thing to do.

A few weeks later he invited me to come and stay with them again, and as my daughter was going to be with her father for the weekend I agreed. So on Friday night I drove and spent the weekend with them. It was wonderful, he was loving and caring, we spent a lot of time cuddling, watching movies and spending time together.  It was an interesting and often uncomfortable feeling when his wife came into the room or walked past, she would smile and keep walking, or come in and chat with us, it took me a long time to be comfortable with me being with him, and her being ok with that.

Now there is an aside which I will mention only to fill out the image of us, but as it isn’t my story to tell, so  I will only touch on it briefly.  As it turned out, his wife had a man that she used to spend some time with so the concept of adding an extra to their marriage was not new to them.  For a middle aged, conservative woman this situation was pushing on all my boundaries, pushing me to open up to new experiences and questions all that I thought I knew about love and relationships.

 

 

The First Time

After he left and went home, we continued talking via Skype as well as within the game we played.  We talked about how we both felt, and nothing had changed.  A few days later we were chatting via video Skype and I said I had to go out, he jokingly asked me if I was heading to his home town, I laughed and said yeah I would be there soon.

So I went out and ran my errands, and when I got back he told me that if I wanted to I could go and visit him and his wife, he had spoken to her and she was happy for me to visit with them.  As my daughter was on school vacation, I agreed. So I packed a bag and headed off.

We arrived and we were welcomed warmly, I was very quiet and nervous, not really knowing what to expect or what was going to happen.  After my daughter went to bed, we all hopped online and went to our game, he sat beside me, we flirted and giggled using IM and spent a lot of time laughing. He must have been IM’ing with his wife also, who was in the room with us, because I got an IM asking me if I wanted to go to bed with him. I asked him about his wife, he laughed and told me she said it was ok. She looked over at me, smiled and nodded her consent to me.

In a stunned state, I went and showered and on the way to their bedroom, I stopped and I asked her if she was sure, she smiled and said some really wonderful things about her husband, then said go and enjoy.

Afterwards I went back to the guest room that I was staying in. My mind was reeling, I had just been with a married man, his wife knew and had given me her blessing.

I stayed for 3 nights in total, each night the same thing, he would ask his wife if we could, she would say yes, and off we would go.

This is how my life started to entwine with theirs.

Where it all Began!

I share their bed most nights, for most of the night, retiring to my bed often in the early morning so my daughter wakes to me in my own bed. This is fraught with some risk for us, and we will cross that bridge if and when she discovers our sleeping arrangement.

The secrecy of our relationship is with my man not wanting his family and the local community finding out about us. He is well respected, and his family and friends could very easily disown him as they are a religious family and they would see what we are doing as him cheating on his wife and it being a sin. So we are doing our best to be honest with each other,but present ourselves as best friends to the world outside our bedrooms. I have told my family and friends who are important to me about my situation, and I have had been very well supported.  I have a grown son who thought it was the best thing since sliced bread, he couldn’t wait to tell his friends that his conservative, middle aged mother, had a married boyfriend.

In theory it started as a bit of fun, we met online on a game, his wife played as well, and he and I got close, and I have no idea how that conversation might have gone in the quiet of their life ….. Hey honey, you know that girl on the game I like, I would like to …………….. I just have no idea how that conversation even starts and I have never asked. The first I knew of it was she created a hall pass and posted it online on our game, for him and I to see. We laughed about it, she said she was serious.

We had all met a month or so before as we lived within a few hours of each other, we had met for lunch, a group of us from the game, so we knew each other by sight and had enjoyed each others company. So we talked about it and it was arranged for him to come and meet me when my daughter was with her father.

He traveled to see me on the Saturday, came to do some  work for me and we were going to get cosy in the afternoon.  He did the task he was going to do for me and we got cosy but we both decided that we couldn’t do it to his wife, even though she gave us both permission to do it. We cuddled for a while, talking and getting to know each other a little better, he stayed for some dinner then went home to his wife.

My Polyamorous Relationship

Hi there, today I have decided to write about my unusual relationship. For a while I thought it was quite rare, but as time goes I am learning that these types of relationships are more common than I would have thought.

I am a single mother, living with and loving a married couple!

And to top that off, I am doing it in relative secrecy. My young teenage daughter who lives with me 90% of the time does not know of the relationship between the three of us.

Now I should define what the relationships between us are. I am in a loving sexual relationship with the husband, and in a loving non sexual relationship with the wife.  There is love and respect, and also some challenges which I will be writing about as time goes on.

I was very surprised to find that there is a term for what we have, it is Polyamory, we are in a polyamorous relationship. I will include a meaning to help with understanding what that means. The following is directly copied from Wikipedia …

“Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, “many, several”, and Latin amor, “love“) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is distinct from Swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational) and may or may not include polysexuality (attraction towards multiple genders and/or sexes).^[2][3][4]

Polyamory, often abbreviated as poly, is often described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.” The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.”

Within our relationships there is no secrecy about each other, we still maintain our individual relationships, but it is open and very respectful and loving.